A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, all the Ewoks died

“Endor is a depopulated wasteland” and I’ve got to say that really makes my day.

(Although I should mention the title for this post is a little misleading. Not all Ewoks were on Endor when the moon was destroyed and so it is conceivable that a small population of the fuzzy little fucks survived off-world. – regrettable, I know, but lets concentrate on the up side.)

Here’s the image from Return of the Jedi that seals the Ewok’s fate, an exploding Death Star in low orbit of the moon of Endor. Curtis Saxton has meticulously documented “what happens when you detonate a spherical metal honeycomb over five hundred miles wide just above the atmosphere of a habitable world” and the findings are pretty conclusive, you’re going to end up with a lot of burnt fur.

But why should I (or anyone else) care? we are talking about a fictitious character here. Well, for starters let me remind you of these little gems: Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. Aside from giving a whole lot of short people some gainful employment, what do these ‘films’ have to offer?

And even more irritating than the above prequels/interquels/sidequels is the premiss that the little teady-bear creatures could exist at all. How can a being who’s hands barely reach their frigg’n mouths evolve into a thriving civilisation? And, if you were going to invent such an unlikely creature must you invest it with fucked up stereotypes from our society? The Star Wars wiki describes a patriacle community with “chiefs” “warriors”, “medicine men”, and privileges passed on to the “eldest son”. Sex (referred to as mating) only seems to happen within the bounds of marriage and to find a mate the male Ewok builds a house! (They probably get a baby bonus and a First Home Owner Grant, but I’m speculating here, I can’t find any mention of it in the Expanded Universe.) They are of course “a deeply spiritual people” who enjoy singing and dancing – now that has got to make you wish them dead (or am I alone on that one?).

So, to have them wiped out by the unwavering logic of scientific theory, something their creators so blatantly disregarded, is truly sweet. A very big thanks to Rory who alerted me to this fantastic development.

Ewoks, they are shit.